Updated on the 1st of every month
As we rapidly approach the holiday season, cunning store managers bedeck their boutiques in red, white, and green to insidiously engrain upon our brains that 'tis is the season of giving. Nevertheless, finding the perfect gift to show your lover just how much you care can be a rather trying experience. Before embarking on a fruitless journey to your local mall, remember that one of the most foolproof gestures of love and selflessness is giving the gift of oral sex, and it is also a great way to take a stand against commercialization of the holidays. Although many of us find ourselves south of the border year round, perfecting your technique will say "Happy Holidays" to your lover a hell of a lot better than fruitcake and candy canes.
But how does one refine one's skills? It's not a subject they give classes on at university or topic on which you want your mother's advice. I decided to track down some of Montreal's finest fellatio gurus to get the low down on going down.
I am a believer in the philosophy that practice makes perfect, so my initial aim was to find the black belts of blowjobs. After skimming my old high school yearbook for the infamous class sluts, I realized that approaching women about the issue was not the right angle at all. The true experts could only be people who have both given and received fellatio. I ran to the phone to plan a little get-together with my lovely friends, J.F., Graham and Mark for a head to head on head.
Within an hour we were half way through a round of martinis and in the midst of a passionate discussion on the art of fellatio. "The number one rule," said Graham, "is that you have to love what you're doing or don't do it at all. If you're not passionate about it, it's not going to be good for either of you." Luckily the four of us are passionate people by nature, and we all agreed that we take pride in our snake charming abilities.
The key to being a good snake charmer is continuous use of the tongue. While teeth are hands down the biggest blowjob sin, using only your lips is almost as sinful. "You've got lips and you've got tongue-use both! And use your tongue to keep your lips really wet," said Graham emphatically.
"I use my tongue to put pressure on the base of the penis as I'm going up and down," said Mark, "and when I get to the top, I sometimes circle the head of the penis with my tongue before I go back down. One hand is following the motions of my mouth, and I use the thumb of this hand to apply more pressure. Pressure is key."
"Hey, that's I do that too!" I said, suddenly feeling somewhat like Mark's kindred spirit in a perverse kind of a way.
"Well, what I do is make a taco out of my tongue and curve it around the penis," remarked Graham semi-antagonistically to Mark's and my favoured strategy. "Actually," said Graham slyly, "let me show you. Give me your finger." I hesitantly put forth my index finger like Michaelangelo's Adam to God, but in this case it was the god of fellatio. As promised, Graham curved his tongue around my finger and moved up and down as I tried to simulate an erect penis with my finger. By now, every table in the bar was watching us, but Graham's concentration was impenetrable. While the session lasted only about two minutes, the experience was incredibly informative (you learn so much more from practice than theory alone), and surprisingly erotic.
The red hue of my cheeks conveyed to Graham that his mission was accomplished. He wrapped his hand around my hand, which was in a state of temporary paralysis, and put it back on my lap. "I'm going to be so popular," I said, semi- joking, semi-serious. We all had a cigarette along with a few innocent bystanders.
There was not much left to talk about at this point. I quickly ordered another martini, which I'm sure the bartender had already started making for me. "Do you have any final tips I should know about?" I asked, curious to know what else Graham in particular might say or do to my finger.
"When the penis hits the back of your throat, avoid the gag reflex," advised J.F. "Remember that you can push it back further; it will go down. Keeping the neck as straight as possible helps too. You can use the 69 position to take it as far back as it can go."
"Also," said Mark, "Suck on the balls a little bit, but don't make a meal out of it. You should be concentrating on the penis."
"Where you do it is also important," exclaimed Graham. He obviously had so much advice to dispense he didn't quite know what last pieces of wisdom to leave me with. "Do it somewhere where you shouldn't and take your lover by surprise. The excitement makes it feel different. And another thing, put a little sparkling water in your mouth once in a while and swish it around. The popping feels amazing." He said this with a wink, which made me envision my future pantry overflowing with Perrier.
So, this winter, if you find yourself roaming aimlessly down mall corridors in search of the perfect present for your lover, fight off commercial pressures to consume thoughtless mass-produced gifts and just pick up a bottle of Perrier and head home. And remember, the beauty about giving oral sex, especially passionate oral sex, is that the gesture is bound to be returned. My holiday mantra has always been, "Do onto others as you would have them to do unto you."
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