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Club guys in a nutshell

by Resham Popat

This guy falls under the
"Elvis Impersonator" category
As certified club-hoppers (yes, my girlfriends and I certified ourselves when we walked up to the door of one of our less frequented nightclubs and the bouncer laughed and rolled his eyes because we were there…yet again), we have discovered that there is a deviation from the stereotype that ‘all men are the same’. (All you ladies are reading this and nodding your heads in protest – do not worry, just read on).

Now of course, we all know that if a single guy goes to a club, he is looking to pick up. (Now all you single guys are nodding your heads in protest…just shut up- you know it is true). So what about the non-single guys out there? Well, if a non-single guy goes to a club, he is either there to check out the goods, applying the pathetic whole ‘look but don’t touch’ theory many guys believe is mandatory to follow when you’re born with the X and Y chromosomes; or he is there to make sure that his remaining single friend does not stay single for long, an evil plot my brother calls the ‘misery loves company’ plan- which goes something like: if I have to have a girlfriend and be miserable, then so do my friends. He really isn’t fooling anyone though; we know that in truth, he’s living vicariously through his single friend’s bachelor lifestyle. And anyway, why do guys always act like being in a relationship is a prison sentence?? We all know they cannot live without us!!

So these guys, whether they are out on a mission to pick up a girl for themselves, or for one of their friends, us women have to deal with the repercussions. You ladies all know what I am talking about – those guys who just do not get the hint. Where did they learn their little tactics?? I wish somebody would just explain to these bleeding romeos that these methods don’t work! OK, well sometimes they do, but rarely has a night passed where some poor chap without a clue hasn’t gotten turned down because his pick up was so lame, we laughed so hard we choked, or we laughed so hard because he choked. Not to say that all girls are that mean, but sometimes you just can’t help it.

We decided to classify these kinds of guys, because as I already said, they are not all the same. Oh yes, they have the same goal, but their approaches range from mildly embarrassing to ‘completely over-the-top just stupid’ is the phrase that comes to mind. I am sure all you girls can safely say you have met with at least one of the following guys. They rank from the worst, to…well…not as bad as the worst, but still pretty bad.

The Guy Who Stares

This guy just stands across the room staring at you until you feel a hole burning in your head. You can look away, move locations, even shoot back an evil look, but this guy’s eyes are following you around until you leave. Didn’t his mom ever teach him it was impolite to stare? This guy is too shy to come and say hello, but by standing in the corner with his eyes fixated on you, he makes himself look like a serial killer. Creepy.

The Guy Who Nods

This guy thinks he’s John Travolta in some 70’s movie with the greasy hair and sunglasses. Its dark buddy, you can take the glasses off. He looks over at you and nods. As if you are going to run to him after he does so. He needs to get a dog- they respond to nods. Yuck.

The Guy Who Nods AND Winks

This guy is the same as the previous guy, just more cocky and disillusioned, actually thinking that the nod and wink still work. Wait, come to think about it, did the nod and wink ever work? Dude, your wink is scary. Put your sunglasses back on.

The Abrasive Drunk

This guy is so hammered he actually thinks you like it when he grinds up against you and attempts to ‘dance’ as he like to call it and talk to you while he is spitting and falling all over. This guy is gross and hard to get rid of, which is why pepper spray was invented. (ed note: that’s me, and most of my friends. And hold on a second, why use big words? Why “abrasive”? I thought everyone liked me when I am drunk?)

The ‘Hero’

This guy is the friend of ‘the abrasive drunk’ and is trying to ‘save’ you from his friend. Come on. We don’t buy this whole hero routine. The ‘hero’ is a particularly stupid fellow, because if he stood any chance at all before, he lost it when we saw the kind of loser he hangs out with. Nice try superman. Go sit on some kryptonite and take your friend with you. (ed note again: nope, our hero is even drunker)

The Straight-Up but Still Totally Clueless Guy

This guy is sweet and he tries to talk to you directly, but he is so lost that even the nicest of girls can’t help but laugh. Clueless boy looks like he got dressed in the dark, in the 60’s, in his grandfather’s clothing, using one hand. He does not know what to say and repeats the same thing 4 times. Usually something irrelevant to anything you could possibly imagine. This guy will never change though, and that’s endearing. Sometimes.

The Guy Who Sends Over the Drink

Finally! This guy has got the idea. He sends over a drink, usually a Sex on the Beach, and waits to see what happens. This is smart because if the girl wants to go talk to him she will, and if she doesn’t, well she got a free drink so she’s happy. Send over a couple more and she’s guaranteed to say something to you eventually. Even if its: “Thanks for the drink, chump”. Hey, at least he got further than those other guys. This guy wins in our books. Not bad, unless he leaves you with the tab. Jerk.

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