Updated on the 1st of every month
Oh, Spring! The season means many things: thawing snow, taxes, April showers, May flowers, and last but not least, break-ups. With temperatures finally lingering above zero, people habitually shake off the bed-warming girlfriends and boyfriends they conveniently picked up over the winter months. And while this is great news for all of us singletons looking for more options, the rejects are left mending their hearts for the better half of the season.
While I'm fortunate enough to find myself in the former category this year, a few of my good friends just recently got the summer's-almost-here-and-I've-decided-you're-not-really-my-type-after-all boot from their lovers' beds. Despite being slightly preoccupied with the freshly detached males returning to the night scene, I put myself on a selfless mission to get my friends back on their feet, so they can be back on the prowl as soon as possible.
Taking newly dumped friends out to meet new guys is probably about the worst thing you can do to get their minds off their respective break-ups. One minute their drinking to their freedom, dancing on tables and screaming in their drunken stupor, "I'm sooooo over him;" the next minute their lying on the floor and crying hysterically to a lame DJ's remix of "I don't want you back." After years of work as a non-licensed therapist to an exclusive group a people otherwise known as my friends, I've renounced the "let's go find fresh blood" approach to break-ups for a "let's forget about sex and love altogether" method. And although this might seem like an impossible task on par with curing cancer and establishing world peace, I've finally found the ultimate strategy to cure the broken-hearted: surround them with transvestites.
On a recent Friday, I gathered some of my newly single friends together for a night out at Cleopatra's. No, I'm not talking about the strip club. On the second level of Cleopatra's and for the ridiculously low cover charge of $3, you can watch a variety of gifted transvestites MC an entire night of lip-synching and dance routines all the while assuming the personas of the likes of Madonna and the early Liza Minelli. And while the performances are bizarrely beautiful, there's something about a man dressed as a woman with a better female body than you that makes sex and love the last thing you want to think about.
After a few rounds of drinks at seats strategically chosen for their perfect view of the stage, the show began around 10:30 with a Michelle Branch impersonator's mind-blowing rendition "Are You Happy Now?" Caught up in the extreme insanity of the evening, the heartache that plagued our group prior to the show had magically lifted. My friends were too busy screaming at Liza Minelli and requesting encore performances by Madonna to focus on their troubled selves. Our excitement made an obvious impact on the DJ who called our table up on stage to dance our hearts out to 10 Madonna songs played back to back. While I broke it down to "Holiday" with a supermodel-esque transvestite, I periodically glanced over at my friends to do a tear check. Their smiles, laughter and crazy dance moves were all the proof I needed to tell me that my plan had been successful. And while I had an amazingly fun night at Cleopatra's healing the broken-hearted, to my delight, it looks like next week we'll be hitting the bars.
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A Broken-Heart Remedy
Sleeping Positions 101
Heading South for the Winter
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A Woman’s Account of the One Night Stand Thing
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