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by Mistress Suki

There is a reason why you frequently hear the words “take it like a man, you BITCH!” emanating from the naughty room in my dominatrix den. People like to talk dirty in bed - not always - but when the candles are out and the sheets are stained, heating things up with a few (or many) spicy phrases can lead to coital bliss. But why is it that whenever foreplay is discussed amongst women, only the trite physical aspects such as positions, people involved, performance, or size are debated? It feels like getting the juices flowing with some well-placed sexually provocative words is a taboo subject. Or is it actually possible that no one talks dirty in bed? Well, I’m the proof that the latter explanation is wrong: I love making my man hard with my mouth. So going against the trend, I’m going to share about my verbally enhanced experiences. To avoid any confusion, I’ve compiled a short list of certain things NOT to say in bed. These can easily turn any man off and completely ruin your evening of pleasure.

What NOT to say in bed:
  1. Baby-talk
    No one wants to be reminded of their cute little 3 year-old niece or their bratty little sister while they’re getting down and dirty (except maybe for the pedophiles out there… then again what are you doing with a pedophile?)

  2. “Is it in yet?”
    I’m sure you can see where this is going… as if there wasn’t a big enough competition going on already all around the world among all guys above the age of 12! If you come out and actually tell the poor kid that you can’t even feel if he’s in the right place at the right time, imagine what you’re doing to his self-confidence!

  3. “I know you love it when I (insert bizarre sexual act)…”
    Some things should really be discussed before the lights are out and only with someone you already have an intimate relationship with. On a one night stand, you’re better off just sticking to the basics. Don’t want him running home in disgust to wash his ears out with antibacterial soap.

  4. “You’re not doing that right”
    Again, stay away from attacking his self-confidence. If he is doing something that really bothers you or makes you feel uncomfortable, tell him what you do like and guide him through it. Then, reward him with a little positive reinforcement.

  5. The wrong name
    Unless you’re engaging in role play, he probably doesn’t want to know that you’re thinking about other men while he’s trying to please you. Then again, I’m sure you wouldn’t want him screaming out some other chick’s name, right?
And now, I will present some basic guidelines to talking dirty while doing the nasty… Of course, these are only suggestions; feel free to improvise, since diversity, after all, is the spice of life.

What TO say in bed:
  1. What he is doing - What you are doing
    A description of what is going on at the moment helps both of you to visualize your roles. This ensures that you are concentrating on each other and nothing else... Two brains are always better than one. Warning: avoid sounding like a documentary on the mating habits of hippos – throw in some compliments about his physical endowment and tastefully mix it in with suggestions 2 and 3, below.
  2. What you would like him to do - What you would like to do to him
    The benefits of this one are threefold: not only are you turning him on by suggesting new ideas, you can also get a feel for what he enjoys and make sure that you get what you want. Not a bad deal, if you ask me!
  3. Foreign languages
    French, Italian and Spanish are definitely the three foremost languages of love. As for other languages, I leave it up to your discretion; if you find it sexy, chances are he will too! Even if he doesn’t understand a word you’re saying, foreign languages are hot. Actually, let me rectify that: if he doesn’t understand a single word you are saying, it is even hotter. Not only does it conjure images of a mysterious, surreal seductress but it also transports him to another time and another place, removing him from the banality of his everyday life like magic.
If you’re worried about sounding ridiculous, start out with baby steps and slowly work your way up to a devilishly delicious temptress. With these tips in mind, prepare to make some man very, very happy and turn your evening of frolicking into an unforgettable one.
Planning for New Years now made easier than planning for a wedding.

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