Updated on the 1st and 15th of every month
Sir Bender on a Bender
I was sitting at my desktop writing my latest article with Kevin, my esteemed alcohol researcher. We were scripting about the difference between lagers and ales - I believe it was. Needless to say, all the research, writing and, consequently the article itself were about as interesting as the acclaimed documentary on dust: Sweeping Beauty. We were about to jam a pencil in our eyes to relieve the boredom, but thankfully my corporate buddy, Ray, gave me a call and invited us to grab a couple beers at Lodge Tavern. So the wheels were in motion - Kevin and I headed to 3612 Saint Laurent before we had time to say "corporate bitch."
Life in the Drinking Lane.
Kevin and I sit at the bar in front of a beautiful bartender, MJ was her name (unfortunately, Spiderman couldn't make it because he had a date with a Charlie's Angel to go see Sweeping Beauty 2). Ray is late, he's drinking with coworkers at another reputable establishment, so Kevin and I start pounding them back without him - beers 1 and 2. Ray finally shows his drunk-red face and strikes up a conversation with two young maidens at his side; and we continue our conversation with our lovely bartender - beers 3 and 4. At beer number 5 (or so I think) Ray and I dropped the conversations with the ladies and we chatted with each other. Then our alcoholic bartender belts out: "This is boring!" and pours out some shots - Ray replies with his own round of shots - the night is started - the girls from Hooters showed and started mud wrestling in wet t-shirts and thongs...or we ordered shots, I don't remember which.
99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.
Kevin splits early to do some more research, and leaves me with the bartender and Ray with his girls. After a couple more beers, it's time to visit a new destination - my place for a 12 pack. By 10:30 pm we passed out watching American Pie 2 - and then salvation arrives at 11:00 pm in the shape of a phone call.
"Hey Bender, we need to go to 737 to talk to some people" it was Kurt, and drunk he was.
"Shut up and make sure you're ready to go, I'll pick you up in 10!"
The Air is Sweet Up There...and Down There.
The next thing I know is that I'm on top of a building overlooking the city wondering if the terrace is packed with twins or am I just seeing double? We meet whoever we needed to meet and talk about whatever we needed to talk about - I think we were talking about getting the Caramilk recipe and then blackmailing Cadbury into giving us that fucking bunny. Does anyone know if the bunny is actually a real rabbit or a hybrid mutant rabbit/cow, because if it is a mutant - I shall call it...Cabbit! But, I digress...
I find myself talking to Kurt and I could swear there was two of him (I don't need to make another Hooters reference do I?), but he, to this date, maintains there was only one of him. With the Cadbury extortion planned and the beers finished, we head back down to join the commoners. Back in Kurt's car, I ask the proverbial question: "Where do we go next?" Kurt answers my question with another: "So are we going to Downtown or Teasers?" The choice is obvious, don't you think? As we enter this fine establishment, the alcohol hits me with its full strength, which felt like getting hit by an obese pigeon, similar to the time when a bird flew into Fabio's face while he was ridding a roller coaster - "My face! Stop de train! My beautiful face!"…good times! I sit at the stage and say to myself: "that's it for the Bender." Kurt turns around, "Fuck no…here, this will make you feel better." He had brought over two long legged naked women - he was right. And it only took $140 for my body got over the alcohol however, my wallet is still hurting.
So what's the moral of the story? I was drunk, how the hell should I remember? But it was probably worth less than my $140.
Updated on the 15th of every month
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