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Don't let your friends steal the entire NYE spotlight from you.





Why wait? Plan your New Years early.




Updated on the 1st and 15th of every month

"He were a wise man who invented beer." -- Plato

by Sir Bender

Remember, way back when you were 16, 18, or however old you were when you first started drinking? Do you remember sitting at the Peel Pub, in front of the colossal 4 litre pitcher of beer and thinking - "Wow, is there anything cooler than this?" You don't? Hum, come to think about it, I don't really either…actually I don't remember much of my teenage years - stupid functional alcoholism! Anyway, where was I? Beer….right!

In my ultimate quest to return to my roots (ed. note: Sir B's latest excuse to drink himself silly by maxing out his corporate credit card) I've rekindled my love for the world's oldest known alcoholic beverages. So I figured I'd write a monolithic piece on the beverage - I got my gear together and headed to the editor's office (well it's more like a cubicle, well actually it's more like one of the bathroom stalls) to get the project approved - it took me about 3 seconds do decide to go to a bar instead.

The History of Beer
Apparently it was Osiris, the Egyptian god of agriculture that taught humans to brew beer - we still thank him for that. But more tangibly:
  • 4300 BC - some Babylonian clay tablets were found with recipes for beer on them.
  • Late 1500's - Elizabeth I drinks beer for breakfast - the first documented case of functional alcoholism.
  • 1786 - Molson is founded. Canadians now have a purpose to live.
  • 2003 - Sir Bender found at a bar rambling about beer, while Dr. Smooth rambles about sex.
That was about all the history I cared to look up, if you want more history, go to school!

Beer Basics
As some of you may already know, beer is made with water, malt barley, yeast and hops. You can put other stuff in there too, but malt and hops give it the most taste. There are basically 2 types of beer. Lagers - dark, but clear beer that typically takes more time to brew and is aged longer than ales. Lagers are best enjoyed at cooler-than-room temperature. Ales - typically take less time to brew, aged less than lagers, and are best enjoyed at room temperature or slightly warmer.

There are also a wide variety of sub types such as American Light Beer, Pilsner, Pale Ale (see American Pie 1 for details), Steam Beers, Dry Beers, and many, many, many more.

And Finally...
Now that the facts are out of the way (ed. note: it's about freaking time too), we can get the fun part - Beer, Food and Beer Mixes:

Beer and Food
While all the other pansy asses are serving wine to impress women, some men keep their balls in their scrotum and serve beer (the end results may vary though). As a general rule - serve lagers where lesser men would serve red wine, serve ales where others would serve red wine, fruit beers go well with deserts, and bock beer (strong ale) replaces the glass of port.

Beer Mixes
Why get drunk on beer when you can get hammered on beer mixes (ok, that wasn't clever at all...so sue me)?

Shandy
Mix your favourite ale with ginger ale or ginger beer (1 part each).

Lager and Lime
Add a dash of lime juice or lime cordial to a light lager.

Snakebite
Mix your favourite beer (usually a heavier beer, like stout, works well) with cider, 1 equal part each mix.

Black Velvet
Mix stout and champagne (1 part each).

Beer Bloody Mary
Mix beer and tomato juice, half and half. Add a dash of Tabasco and a dash of Worcestershire (Worceste-whata?).

Red Eye (a.k.a.: Tomato Beer, Red Rooster)
Add a shot of tomato juice to any ale or lager. If you add a splash of Tabasco, the drink becomes a Ruddy Mary.

That's all folks, next time - an interview with the Beer-Goddess, Vicky.

Updated on the 1st and 15th of every month





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