Updated on the 15th of every month
In these times of new years, fake breasts and 10% beer, one has to stop living in the fast lane and smell that thing people smell when they have time to smell things. It is during this period that people, and possibly monkeys of the smarter persuasion, take a break from the daily routine to play Xbox…I mean ponder their life and look to new horizons. Being all too mortal, between two glasses of Belvedere vodka, I stopped and asked - "How can I better my life in this year 2005 or is it 2004…what day are we? What the hell was I drinking when I bought these pants?" All these questions and no real answers and I think we're all in the same boat, so I figured I would draft up a top 10 list of how to better ones life…
10- Write up a manifesto against wearing pants, "The Plight of Humans - Only you can stop trouser wearing!" and give it to someone you want to get under the sheets with…I'm not saying it'll work, I just think it's funny, but I may just be twisted.
9- Always give 110% (which will be easier when #10 will be accomplished) - When the six-pack is finished…raid your unsuspecting parents' liquor cabinet. (Tip: do this under the cover of night…you'll feel like you're part of a Special Forces Unit, which is always fun). Get yourself a bad ass recon name like Snake or Jack Bauer.
8- Never let yourself get pressured into drinking more than you want to drink unless guaranteed sex is involved. Drugs on the other hand… (Special thanks to Eric for this one)
7- When in doubt, always buy the 40 with 10% alcohol. As they say - "the more the merrier." - According to me that goes for alcohol concentration levels as well and chest proportions.
6- If you get caught staring at some cleavage, don't say "I think I dropped my beer cap down there, I was just looking for it" or " Tell your boobs to quit staring at my eyes" - It doesn't work…if it does buy two loto tickets.
5- Always buy a lady a drink. Seemed like a good idea last night anyway, but what the hell do I know…stupid alcohol and it's clouding of judgements.
4- Believe it or not, potential of sex overrides drinking activities. Listen to this, 'cause 1 out of 10 Doctors (Dr. Smooth usually) argue that virginity can grow back. This can come against resolution #8, but I mean sex overrides pretty much everything.
3- Spend more time with your relatives....especially the rich and/or rather aged ones...
2- Don't waist your time pondering life, pour yourself a glass of Baileys and play with your Xbox…hey! That sounds interesting, maybe I should do that…bye!
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