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Why Every Girl Should Drink Beer

by Liz

Love and beer
Is the taste too bitter for your sensitive taste buds? Are the bubbles too much for your calorie-deprived body to take? Afraid your boyfriend will forget you’re female and start buying you beef-jerky instead of chocolate on Valentine’s day? If any of these seems to ring true, I have but one thing to say to you:

Suck it up; beef jerky is actually quite tasty.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am 19 years old, and I have been a beer girl since I discovered in grade nine that you could not buy Smirnoff Ice in large enough quantities to fill kegs. I like any beer that does not taste like shit, which generally points me to the darker variety… because most light beer is piss water. No, really. That’s why it’s so much cheaper. I am of the opinion that every girl should drink beer. Unfortunately, hardly any girls do. I have made it my mission to break down the giant wall woman-kind seems to have put up between themselves and this liquid of life. Girls seem to think that the immediate effects of beer will be the growth of a giant belly and an uncontrollable urge to call everyone around them “dude”. First of all, mixed drinks are just as calorie-filled as beer, and secondly, anyone that cares about that in the first place deserves to be strapped down to have the word “dude” tattooed on their forehead forever. But you still feel an unhealthy connection with your cosmopolitan, don’t you? Here are 10 reasons why you should loosen your grip on that vodka bottle, just for a moment, and consider entering the foreign world of beer:

Reason #1: You won’t have to pay for drinks. It is infinitely easier to ask guys for a glass (or five) from their pitcher than it is to get them to buy you an 8 dollar sugar-rimmed Appletini, especially if your push-up bra is in the wash. Or, you want to play it like me, just ask for a sip of any guy’s beer. Then refuse to give it back until they pry it out of your cold, dead, freshly manicured fingers.

Reason #2: Vodka cranberry is for sissies. Rum and coke is for sissies. Sex on the beach is for really huge sissies. And Gin and Tonic is for a 70 year old, balding, toothless man named Herbert, and Herbert alone.

Reason #3: The motto “beer before liquor never been sicker” is only heeded by pretend drinkers. The whole “puking” thing that people try so hard to avoid is merely a technique through which the real drinkers empty their stomachs to make room for more beer.

Reason #4: If beer pong became a national sport, you could potentially go to the Olympics. And who doesn’t want to go to the Olympics?

Reason #5: Wine glasses break. Beer mugs don’t. Plus, when you are drunk and cannot figure out which of your 25 fingers you should wrap around the tiny neck of your champagne glass, the equally drunk boys around you will appear much less perplexed. This is because there is room for all 50 of their fingers to wrap around that giant mug of beer, and George the leprechaun to sit on the rim.

Reason #6: Sex and the City is a terrible show. That really doesn’t have anything to do with beer. I just really needed to get that that out.

Reason #7: You can’t crush bottles of wine using your forehead when you are done with them. I dare you to try, though. Double doggie dare you.

Reason #8: Forty of beer: 5$. Bottle of wine: 20$. And you’d be hard pressed to find a wine with a name like “WildCat”, sporting a picture of a large- and dare I say "wild" – cat on the label. If you have no idea what kind of beer this is, it is very important that you go to your local depanneur and experience it. I’m serious. Go get one. Now. I’ll wait.

Reason #9: Paris Hilton drinks beer. Ok, no she doesn’t. But she’d be a lot cooler if she did.

Reason #10: I understand that shots get you drunk fast. Beer, however, has its own equivalent: The Beer Bong. And, as an added bonus, if you can ever beat your man at the Bong, you have got him by the balls for life. Yes, I said life.

What have we learned from this? Chick drinks are for chicks. Beer is for women who are smart enough to realize that.

Oh, and no, Corona does not count.