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by Shit Sticks

If you've read my previous article, you'll likely think, 'man, who can keep track of all the sea donkeys?' I have to admit; I've slipped up from time to time and worse yet, grossly ignored my own advice. Check this; last weekend in a drunken brew haw haw at some random loft party, my roommate caught me with my pants down, or rather, caught me making out with some stray dog. Okay, I didn't exactly "make out" with the dog, it just so happened that while the dog was licking my face, my mouth just happened to be open at the exact moment that my roommate glanced over to see how I was. I guess I wasn't doing so well if I was making out with a STRAY DOG! It's not all my fault. I was sitting there you knows, all drunk with my tongue out and this dog was all up in my face, licking it and stuff. Ok I'll admit, I could have moved away a little faster, but sometimes there is just no need to discriminate. In light of this mishap, I'd like to share a few family approved games for those nights when the only way to save the evening is to throw your standards and morals out the window (along with the dog).

The Number Game
This is a very straight forward game. You and your fellow team mates are to pick a number between 5 and let say 15. You must situate yourself near the front door of the party/club/gathering as to ascertain the number of "women" who will momentarily passing through said door. The counting off can vary depending on how much time you want to waste "perving" at the girls walking in. Once you've all picked your number, start counting the girls that walk in; when your picked number enters, this is your marked target for the night. Once you've all have your targets secured, its' 'game on'. The first guy to suck face with his target gets a pitcher of free beer. You're allowed to make adjustments on determining the standards for "hitting your target" for you soft pussies out there. Just talking to a trollop could be considered enough for "hitting the target" but I personally prefer a hand job in the bathroom. That's definitely 'hitting the target'.

The Map Game
This game is best played in a backpacker bar. Just to reiterate, a backpacker bar is where transit travelers congregate to get shit faced and celebrate that they are foreigners in a strange land. These travelers are always looking to get a little frisky with the locals, that is, if they are smart enough to clean the vomit off their shirts first. No one wants get with a fool with vomit on his or her shirt. This game demands endurance and should be played over the span of a year. The objective of game is to sleep with chicks from as many different countries as possible. You'll need some extra material, like a map and different sets of thumb tacks. The thumb tacks are key to keeping track of your conquering of the world. It's a like a risqué version of Risk. Bonus points (like free placement of a thumb tack) are considered if a girl from let say Yemen walks into the bar. I mean, how many Yemeni 'moisties' are going you ever going to fuck? Exactly. This game is not for the faint of heart. I can recall this one time when a friend took it up with a truck looking bitch, albeit Brazilian. It was just all wrong. But hey, he needed to tack Brazil on the map. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Tit Cricket
Although mostly played in Australia, Tit cricket is a can be fun game that everyone can enjoy. The objective of the game is to get as many points as possible without getting slapped. Same rules as real cricket once you get the wicket/slapped you are out for the rest of the game. The point scheme is a little elaborate but still simple enough for most people with half a brain to remember. As the name indicates, this game is mostly centered on touching titties. Woman titties. Man boobs need not apply. An elbow contactage to the tit will earn you 1 point. A back hand contactage with a tit will get you 2 points. Grabbing both tits with an open palm earns 4 points and finally 6 points is awarded for grabbing a box. A warning is in order: expect to get slapped, punched, kicked and even perhaps pummeled by the boyfriend when going for the box shots. Usually a considerable investment in time and "bump and grind" is required to get away with a box shot. Also, the objective of this game is not to try to get some cheap hit and run point. A true master of tit cricket will get the girls to give the points away. The maximum number of points you can earn from the same girl is 10, so don't expect to win the game by taking a girl to the dark corners of the club and feeling her up there. Be a man, and play fair.

The Big Girl Game
I have a confession to make. I'm too much of a pussy to play this game. Even I find this game way too fucked up but because it was so popular with cheap boozers, I'm forced to add it in. This game presents a great opportunity to make a shit load of beer in a short period of time. The price for that beer will cost you your dignity, your pride and maybe your first born son. Also the shame factor is just through the roof. Basically you have to find a girl that is big enough around so that if you try to wrap your arms around her, your hands don't meet behind her back. Then you do what you must to suck face with the large unbridled mammal. If you achieve this task you will be rewarded with a pitcher from each of your friends that are out with you that night. Free beer is great, but you should it for getting that bad taste out of your mouth. Guys; don't be stupid and make sure you get confirmation that the girl meets the minimal size requirement before risking getting swallowed. This can be achieved by a simple hand gesture from your friends and thus will prevent you from enduring a lot of useless pain. For you and for her.

Finally here are a few simple games to increase the binge drinking factor amongst your friends.

Binge drinking Self explanatory

Game on Walk up to a friend and call a "game on". You must both proceed to consume your drinks in the least amount of time possible. Spillage is not allowed. You can do it with strangers too, and full beers are a must.

Tap left When somebody finishes his drink he taps the person to his left and that person in turn has to finish their drink. (Chugging styles) Then it is to the person's digression to continue to "tap left". If you renege, you're lame because then it's sort of like when someone started a wave and you're the asshole that didn't finish it. Boo on you.

Boat races Do I really need to explain? If you don't know about boat races are all about then you're probably at home sitting on the couch watching your balls shrivel.