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Planning for New Years now made easier than planning for a wedding.

Updated on the 15 th of every month

by Shit Sticks

I'd like to consider myself a good friend; I've taken my fair share for the team, but last weekend I missed the call of duty. I let a friend hang out to dry. While feeding shots to my fellow commodores, and not paying attention to what was going in the corner, I inadvertently failed to stop a brother from ripping it into a sea donkey. He was obviously looking at the biatch through beer goggles. Which were discreetly put on after all those shots I had given to him earlier. I had an obligation to save my brethren from the grenade but I just stood there like a deer caught in headlights while she chewed his face off. If you have friends like me, shitty and unreliable, here are a few tips on how you can save yourself, from yourself.

The safest approach to not get caught with a sea donkey and to avoid feeling deep shame the next day is to practice tagging. Tagging is a very simple concept. During the short sober period from the moment you enter a bar, you must look around and tag the girls that are up to your sober standards. (i.e. girls you'd fuck with the lights turned on) Later in the evening, when you are not so sober anymore and the girls in the club have all conspicuously turn into gorgeous divas (we call this the beer goggling syndrome) here is where the aforementioned tagging technique comes into play. If she's not tagged she is probably deformed or fugly. I recommend you not to stick your tongue in fugly's mouth. It's gross.

This method is great in theory, however if you are the "let's have a few forties on the walk there" kind of guy, your standards have already dropped considerably before the tagging process has even begun. Therefore, you need some fail proof measures of quality control.

1. A sober friend (Mr. Quality Control) is always good to give you a fair call on if a girl is indeed bang worthy. But before you take his advice, ask yourself; would you bang his girlfriend?? If the answer is no then don't trust him. You're relying on him to rescuing you from the uglies; he's got to be the best in his field.

2. The "ass gauge" will also save you from getting with a tank ass. The test is quick and simple. Try to get as close to the target booty as possible. Place your thumbs together and try to separate your pinkies as far apart as they'll go. If the target ass is wider than the span of your two pinkies, abandon target.

Ass gauge

3. Dark lighting is very deceptive even without beer goggles. Avoid the girls in the dark corners. Although they seem very enticing, there is a reason as to why they are hiding way back there. On the other hand, if they are always in the dark than nobody can really know if they are wrong looking or not. I say proceed with caution and at your own risk. You can play with them in the dark but don't take them out into the light because nine times out of ten it's a recipe for disaster. And the ugly shock might make you convulse.

4. Be wary of the butter face girls. You usually notice these girls from across the room because she's got that tight ass and the great knockers. The first thing that comes to mind is, she's so hot but as you get closer you're like, noooooo but-her-face…thus the name butter face. These girls are great to grind with from behind and to fuck doggy styles. Often the bad teeth are what will give the butter face away so pay attention to her smile. Some guys can handle the butter faces but it really comes down to be one simple question. Do you prefer being proud of your girlfriend while you ram her into the head frame or when you present her to your parents?

The only fail proof plan to not getting busted by the beer goggling syndrome is to try and stay sober, but is it really worth it not to have the sweet sweet liquid of the gods just to avoid the occasional ass face? So I'll impart you with this: get shitfaced until you can't get shitfaced anymore, by then you won't even remember what she even looked like. And it won't as hurt when you fall down the stairs later.