Updated on the 15 th of every month
…And Live Like a God
Seeing that July 1st is approaching a lot of us are gonna be moving to a new place. This means that you're gonna have to throw a house warming bash as the law requires you to do, well my law anyway. Besides, if you don't, all the other new places are going to make fun of your place and you don't want that now, do you? Now you probably finished all your booze at your departure party in the last place and you don't remember what you had in your liquor cabinet, or where you left your pants, but that's another story. Anyway, I managed to scour the internet, public libraries, clubs, pubs, bars and strip clubs to bring you a well thought out list on "How to Build your Own Liquor Cabinet". I would've done it faster but we got tied up at the strip club...yeah apparently they do that for an extra $100…err…I mean, the library really appreciated the $100 donation and kept me for a while…yeah, that's it
Step 1 - Make sure you have an actual liquor cabinet.
This is a pretty vital part of the whole ordeal. You wanna know where your booze is gonna be located at all times…believe me. If you want to have a cabinet full of alcohol you're gonna be thankful you don't have to remember where your booze is at, so keep it at one place. If you don't have a liquor cabinet, a counter space or well placed shelf will be acceptable.
Step 2 - Take a break.
You deserve it, and stock up on relaxation...you're gonna need some rest for this strenuous odyssey...especially if you have to say odyssey again.
Step 3 - Have a snack.
Remaining energetic is the cornerstone of building a liquor cabinet...not really...but that sentence is necessary for the rest of this joke...so, where was I...right... you're gonna need to be on your feet all day, so get to that fridge. Remember, you're gonna have to walk to the liquor store, find your booze, bring it to the counter, take your wallet out, choose a method of payment, apply that method, see already there the effort is almost insurmountable. However, you only want to have a light snack, otherwise you might be slowed down.
Step 4 - Nap
Who we're kidding right?
Step 5 - Waking up
This is the part where you panic and realize nothing has been done and you need help to figure out what you're gonna do. If you're actually following these steps, you have no chance of doing this on your own. As a matter of fact it's already pretty impressive that you managed to make it to this page. Under any other circumstances, I would suggest you take a break but we don't want to get lazy.
Step 6 - Call girlfriend for help.
If you're a girl, this step doesn't really apply to you...actually you can probably skip most of these and then let me know what you did...I could always use the help. Sending us a 4x6 picture of yourself along with your list of your measurements, umm, I mean the steps you took, would help us tremendously.
If you're a guy and reading this, chances are, you're single so what you wanna do is make up an imaginary girlfriend so she can help you seeing that your IQ is lower than the number of people that take us seriously.
Step 7 - Finding a name for your imaginary girlfriend.
This is the best part. Stay clear of names that have more than 3 syllables otherwise you won't remember her name. Then find a pet name, recycle an old one if you must but the idea is to get a second name in there to maximize the chances of remembering a correct name.
Step 8 - Break up with imaginary girlfriend
Sometimes you gotta know when to call it quits. She's been breathing down your fucking neck all this time stopping you from hanging out with your idiot friends and on top that she's been cheating on you with your imaginary friend while you've been downloading porn. You don't need this. Fuck her. Right? Right!
It's gonna be a hard break-up and you're gonna need your REAL friends to help you get over it. We suggest a party at your house meaning you're gonna need to stock up on liquor, which brings me back to my original point - boobs (ed. note: I think Sir Bender meant booze). Make sure you have some sort of liquor cabinet to put the booze in.
Step 9 - Making a list of your booze.
You're gonna have to get different types of alcohol seeing that people have different tastes and apparently Jim Beam & Jack Daniel's is not what everyone drinks…
For Guys - Beer, any type will do. JB & JD.
For Girls - Corona and Smirnoff Ice. You're also gonna want to have hard booze for them to make drinks. So before you just buy random bottles of anything, figure out what types of drink you want to make. There are plenty of sites that give your detailed info on mixed drinks (www.mixed-drink.com).
Personally, I suggest you stick to the classics, especially if your budget is limited. Get a bottle of Vodka, Tequila, Rum and Gin. This means you're gonna need cola, all kinds of juices (orange, lemon, peach, pineapple and cranberry) and some tonic.
With this, you can make your basic simple drinks.
If you want to get a little fancier, steal some money from your friends and get some Curacao, Brandy, Peach Schnapps and Vermouth. Try to get your hands on some Grenadine, Tomato Juice. Then check out the site and figure out which drinks you want/can make.
Don't forget wine…most girls dig the wine. An added bonus is that it helps them get them in the mood (especially Porto), or if not, it'll put 'em to sleep and leave more time for X-Box and other similarly constructive activities…
Finally, you're gonna want to have ice, glasses, twirlers and coasters if you're completely anal.
Step 10 - Make up with imaginary girlfriend
Invite her to the party, get her good and juiced up and show her how it's done!
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