My phone is ringing – “Bender, can you step in my office?” says the editor in chief. Wondering what the hell I had done this time, I turn into the Womens’ bathroom where he likes to hang around…
- “What’s up Chief?” I say
- “You’re going to Quebec City, drink and write up some story…and bring Smooth along so we can add some sex to that mix – that kind of shit sells”
- “Sir, yes sir, I will”
A couple of hours later, Smooth and I are in a taxi on our way to PET airport. Having a few millilitres of Jim Bean in me, I’m not very aware of my surroundings. At the airport, I seem to have lost Smooth (turns out he was never in the taxi, I was traveling with the vertically challenged that lives in the dumpster behind our building, but I digress), but I find my self on plane and pass out.
What seems like hours later, I hear – “Fleumen schlucken, flucken bugen telescopen booben!” “What the fuck was that?” I think to my self. Considering I hadn’t brushed up on my French since that last bottle of Labatt Bleue I had downed, I didn’t think much of it. A few hours later, it was obvious that I had stepped onto the wrong Flugzeug and had landed in the land of the leather wearing, thigh slapping, beer guzzling…Douchland, I mean, Deutschland!
I figured I’d take the opportunity to get wasted…IN A TOTALLY DIFFERENT TIME ZONE! There are a few striking differences that will first hit you when you arrive in the land of, you know, Germans – first of all, everyone speaks German, except for that one guy, what the hell does “zblorky” mean anyway? Also, beer is a life style…that’s one cool lifestyle – kinda like the condom, except less sexual and more nonsensual. Disturbingly enough, metrosexuality is totally mainstream – kinda like in our IT department. But watch out, you can drink so much there without even noticing it. Now normally, that wouldn’t be a bad thing, except that I think that’s how Smooth ended up in a very homoerotic “Esse meine Scheisse” Video (he still maintains that he was young and needed the money…I say it was the beer).
Now, surprisingly enough, my entire stay there consisted of drinking and more drinking. Therefore, I don’t really remember much of what I did. I know there was a lot of beer and even some boobies at some point. There may also have been an incident involving bikinis, cucumbers and a poodle, but I’d really rather not remember that. So anyway, assuming I still keep my job after this – I’ll see you next time.
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