Updated on the 1st and 15th of every month
As you frantically scurry around the city ticking off items on your list of "Things to bring to Cancun", you might not want to forget the list below. I have prepared an abridged credo (note: only megalomaniacs refer to lists as credos) that describes what you should NOT do whilst partaking in a lovely resort situated in the beautifully corporate-designed claustrophobic town named Cancun.
Top 10 Things NOT to do in Cancun
- Don't eat the food. There is only one way to avoid ingesting foreign deadly bacteria, and that is: abstinence (doesn't that sound familiar). So basically, the dilemma is: if you don't eat you die, but if you eat you get Montezuma's Revenge (diarrhea). So my advice would be to consume nutrients via alcoholic beverages and vitamins in pill form - doesn't the future sound great. However, if your doctor states otherwise and has a degree that supersedes mine, and you eat the food, then purchase a copious amount of Imodium. Don't believe in the Pepto Bismol propaganda, it doesn't work and will surely leave your tongue black and balls blue (who wants to make out with a guy who shits more than he eats, guys like that can't be trusted).
- Regardless how much of a bargain an all-you-can-do Mexican whore seems, my advice, as your doctor, is stay away…far away! Do this as a social duty to a society that has given so much to you, and all it asks of you is to: not fuck a dirty dish rag Mexican prostitute - why you ask? A simple acronym that goes by three very scary well strung letters, STD!
- Avoid calling bartenders Senior Fellatio, especially swim-up pool bartenders. This will perturb your state of intoxication because he'll purposely serve you non-alcoholic beverages that taste like Mexican urine (get the hint). However, this does not apply to American spring break, you will be served Mexican urine regardless of name calling - so keep the Senior Fellatio alive, and while you are at it, go get yourself some fellatio.
- Wax your body. If the sun can't penetrate your thick body hair, your skin won't tan - simple as that. Also, if you're bald, it is really important to wax because there is nothing more tragic, almost Shakespearean like, than a bald head with a furry body...ahhhh...just thinking about it makes me vomit over my black Dell keyboard.
- Avoid the Golf of Mexico at night when drunk. A strong undertow will quickly wash you away, and you'll be discovered the next day, stuck on the bottom of a coral reef being photographed by a pimply 10 year old in his snorkel gear. Imagine the psychological damage that you'll do to that little prick!
- Naked European breasts are meant to be stared at indirectly. Direct eye-to-breast contact will ensure her top to be put right back on. Remember, this is a fellowship, stick to the rules and every woman will be naked in no time. Another great tip, do not videotape naked women, and if you do, then discretion is strongly advised (or a good lawyer).
- Drinking tequila is like maintaining a relationship. You drink too much and you'll get sick, but the right amount will surely keep you coming for more.
- Avoid drunken horny single mothers who are lurking around the compound for fresh young college meat. Think of her children before you throw her into the Mexican donkey position...avoid thinking about the young hot daughter prancing around in her skimpy orange bikini - sorry, went off on a little bit of a tangent.
- Developing a base doesn't mean building a fort to protect your snow castle from your neighbor - it means, use sun block the first two days, and then go gorilla tanning.
- Don't go with one of your guy friends. The gay stigma is like leprosy, no one will bathe you - except for Father Teresa.