The tone of this article might seem belligerent but the intent was not to create a feeling of discontent or perturbation, but to merely express my disenchantment towards my fellow Montrealers. This summer has been a disappointment in terms of dismal fashion trends, crass couture, and boring club-hoppers. However, one must keep in mind that I am not referring to the select few who have avoided these ‘smooth faux-pas’, but to those who grace us with their uneven swagger and trite wardrobe.
So this list is dedicated to those souls that I, in my most kindly ways, would like to notify of their misconception of smoothness. Here we go…
1. Thong exhibitions (everywhere I look I see thongs). It was cute and sexy when they first appeared, they complemented low cut jeans, drove our imaginations into a state of … but now it’s just crass. I find it everywhere; coffee shops, libraries, and even school yards. A little tip to those who have no clue on class, purchase low cut underwear with your jeans…I apologize to the guys (boys) who love the thong shots but I’m done with that. Next scantily clad novelty please!
2. Ass crack exhibitions. This goes hand in hand with the latter (see Thong exhibitions), really low cut jeans show your ass crack. Personally, when I see a woman’s plumber crack I turn the other cheek. The solution is to wear jeans that fit, and if you want to show skin then let it be cleavage or midriff.
3. Club shades. Stop it please, it hurts your image. It says, “Hey look at me, I’m a fashion laggard and can only afford last year’s style.” I’m referring to both sexes in case you’re not clued in to planet earth.
4. Snobs. If you are in a bar/club/lounge then you are supposed to, by civil duty, act human. This entails you to engage in conversation with your fellow patrons, even when approached. Also, you’re supposed to have fun, or at least pretend to. The latter focuses more on those bitchy girls that go out with their boyfriends (or friends); since you’re out, you might as well have some fun. If you can’t enjoy yourself then email me, I’ll introduce you to a night of bliss.
5. Men wearing capri pants. I won’t even get into this!
6. And finally…the ‘rant line’ in the Mirror has inspired this next number. I encourage all women to wear bikinis at the Tam Tams (Avenue du Parc, just south of Mont-Royal), don’t worry you won’t look foolish, the women who will give you malevolent glances are envious of your body or are pissed off they forgot their own bikinis. However, stay away from the Tam Tams pit (where they beat the drums); all bikini clad woman should be frolicking on the south side of the angel!
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