The Way it Should Be
Tam tams are reverberating, Dairy Queens are serving blizzards, and woman are wearing crop tops that are complementing their short skirts all the while sipping Singapore slings outside on Ďfineí white plastic chairs. In other words spring has arrived in Montreal. The latter, more so than the former, is a catalyst to my philandering ways. Iím not putting the blame on spring for the polygamous attitude that Iíve inherited, I blame it on genetics. Polygamy is a natural state of mind, supported with behavioral and biological evidence that demonstrates very clearly that the inclination towards multiple mates is natural, whereas monogamy is not.
Before my inbox gets flooded with vitriolic diatribes, let me say that females are just as likely as males to engage in extra-pair mating. The methods used by the two sexes differ, but the basic reason is the same, evolution. Both males and females want to be sure that they produce the best possible offspring. However, because of their different roles in the procreation process, they must adopt different strategies. For the males, their role is providing sperm - and sperm is cheap. A male can produce lots and lots with very little cost, so it makes sense to spread it around as much as possible, even on toast. Males, then, essentially play the lottery: they Ďtryí to mate as often as possible with as many females as possible in the hopes of producing as many offspring as possible, with the exception to the modern day Chinese. With luck, a few of them will do really well and continue the genetic line . Females, on the other hand, can't play the lottery. Their role is in providing eggs, and eggs aren't cheap. Females have to be pickier in choosing whom they will mate with and sometimes, they find a "better" male than the one with whom they are socially attached, thus leading to an extra-pair coupling. Sometimes, they also engage in such hanky-panky for the sake of extra food or protection1. Using deductive logic, then, one can state that the legalization of prostitution is one step closer to the natural way of life, but I digress.
So there you go, Iíve justified my lifestyle (and maybe yours) from a biological standpoint. However, my intentions arenít to deteriorate the web of delusion that society has spun in order to suppress our biological roles. The point that I was trying to make is if you follow my steps on how to pick up Montrealers, then your chances of resorting to our natural state of polygamy will greatly enhance.
A quick tip before you go copulate, whenever you are talking to a person of interest avoid smelling your own pheromones (or whatever you perceive those stenches that are emanating from your body to be).
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