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Updated on the 1st and 15 th of every month

by Dr. Smooth

University, in my opinion, was like a freak show at the local circus; laced with people who come from all walks of life, more specifically, all forms of life. The individuals that I've met are stranger that the characters portrayed in novels by Wells, Cohen, C.S. Lewis, and Roald Dahl. Even the most brilliant novelists couldn't come up with personalities that I have encountered. If you think a blue faced gimp eating glass and making love to a 3' 7" 212 lb midget with a beard is weird, you have no idea. Ah, you call bullshit! Well, no joke, these people exist. And here is a brief description of them:

Personality #1

He invites himself over to my apartment. Then he'll watch movies all night until I fall asleep. Then complain it is too late to go back home. Sleep over in my roommate's bed. Then when I wake up in the morning, I walk by her room and he waits all night for this moment, because, just as I walk by her room, he starts to pretend that he is fucking her hardcore style. That's right; he is fake fucking my roommate, not just for a quick 30 second joke. But for 2 hours. We call him the Fake Fucker!

Personality #2

This personality is most often of a Mediterranean pedigree - with a hairy chest, that only him and Greek girls like. Not just any Greek girl, but the really Greek girls, from like Athens and shit. Feed him a couple of beers and you've got a live episode of jackass. After watching Kill Bill, this guy started breaking pool cues over his head, and in a sushi restaurant, he broke 5 chop sticks at once across his forehead (only it took him three tries, two screams, and everyone's attention). The only traces of his masculinity were the broken blood vessels on his face forming perfect outlines of his outmatched cutlery. He also puts the fear in women when he decides to court them with chirping sounds, howling, and the occasional grunt as he stares without blinking (who is he even competing against?). He has many aliases: Greekos, Creepos, Stinkos, Weirdos, Pervertos, but he is more commonly known as Always-Cause-A-Sceneos.

Personality #3

He grabs your balls wherever you are. Has no shame about it and he doesn't even look gay doing it. It is like the most heterosexual act I've ever seen. We call him Greek. Incidentally, he's actually Canadian, but clings on to his Greek nationality in honor of building walls and segregating people into groups. Jesus loves him.

Personality #4

He is Arab. He hates white people. He hates Jews. All of his friends are white or Jewish. A lot are white and Jewish. Also, everything that goes wrong in his life, every failure, every piece of criticism, is ALL because he is an Arab and is being persecuted. He IS the BEST at EVERYTHING. Everyone is just against him. (It's true, he really knows how to shimmy like a fat man). We call him Paranoid, or Aquaman, or just Terrorist.

Personality #5

He is the guy who is so horny he walks up to people he knows, grabs the nearest phallic symbol (like a banana or umbrella or computer disk) and pretends to have sex with them with it (seriously, it's really creepy). He's so horny that he waits in the computer lab until everyone has gone home, and then he whips out his cock and jerks off to internet porn. All night long. I've seeing this guy pay off first year students to leave for ten minutes so he can get some "alone time". When you see this guy walk in the computer labs with a roll of toilet paper he stole from the washroom, we all know what it's for (and it isn't because he's too cheap to buy Kleenex). We even started a charity to get him high-speed downloading at home so we don't have to witness his depressing addiction to,, and We call him Icky and Get the Hell Away from Me. (ed. Note we do not in any way, shape, or form, sponsor these websites, although we really like them)