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Planning for New Years now made easier than planning for a wedding.


Updated on the 1st and 15 th of every month

by Dr. Smooth

A common phenomenon that is occurring amongst Canada's yuppies is a brain drain. This is when Canada's best and brightest decide to opt out of the socialist system and find employment down south, in the land of prosperous opportunities - for the rich only, of course, let's not conjure up delusions of grandeur. Apart from the obvious repercussions stemming from the leaky faucet theory, such as weakening our social and economic fabric; it is also making those Canadians uncool. Yeah sure they are a bunch of sellouts, coughing up taxes to Uncle Sam, improving America's economy at the detriment of ours. But that is the least of my concerns. The Canadians who leave come back as fucking losers. Or am I the only noticing this?

For example, an acquaintance of mine landed a consulting job in Cuyahoga Falls (don't ask me where… somewhere in between America's asshole and ball sack, I think they call it the perineum). If you really want to know, then look at a map, for I find North American geography to be trite, much like our culture. Anywhore, he was in town this weekend and he wanted to "ball it up". As a nightlife aficionado I was always in the mood to "ball that shit up". So we went to Rosalie's for a couple of drinks to mingle with the crowd of flavorsome women. As soon as we entered the place, his tongue fell out, glancing around the room, much like a chipmunk in a field of assorted nuts, not knowing which to pop in his mouth.

He had that look in his eye that said, "I haven't been fucked by a hottie in one year". He had forgotten that we are not all pregnant at sixteen, married at twenty, and stripping until forty-five - ah, the rural American way.

After his anterograde amnesia passed away with a little help from some Budweisers, he engaged in a modest conversation with some ladies by the bar. It went something like this:

Export: You girls from around here?
Girls: Yeah, well, no not really. I'm from Montreal and my friend is from Toronto.
Export: Cool, I'm from Cuyahoga Falls.
Dr. Smooth: What he means is that he works in the States, but lives here.
Export: So you go to school?
Girls: Yup!
Export: Where?
Girls: McGill.
Export: Cool. Do you like it?

Just an excerpt of the conversation my expatriate now employs on women in Montreal.

The night proceeded with these types of banal conversations that would go nowhere, and at one point he decided it was a golden opportunity to hop onto the catwalk at Time Supper Club and "pick up some girls". Wow, it was shocking to see a poor Brain Drainer insurgent getting shot down by our savvy Canadians.

Will suggesting that you're American ever work? No. However, I should note that Americans are not un-cool, many of them are very interesting individuals, it is just the Canadians who go down south and come back up north that seem to be the ones who lose their mojo. Why? I can only speculate that those brain drainers are stuck in purgatory, not belonging to any nation, which in turn, distances themselves from both populations. Maybe, if someone wanted to make some cash, they could put up an online dating website that catered to Americans in Canada and Canadians in America. They'll hook up and forever live happily ever "uncool".







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