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Why wait? Plan your New Years early.





Don't let NYE catch you with your pants down.


Updated on the 1st and 15 th of every month

by Dr. Smooth

Like most of the countries rich in natural resources, there seems to be a lingering American presence. The white, red, and blue walking around, tasting the black gold, frothing at the mouth and craving for more, like Mark Messier and his Lays. “I bet you can’t have just one?” “No, I bet they can’t!”

So who is next? Iran, Saudi Arabia, U.A.E – I think not! We are next, so hold on tight Montrealers, the Americans are coming, the Americans are coming…for SPRING BREAK!!! And not for our oil, but for other fine natural resources: women, loose liquor laws, and nightclubs.

They will be everywhere, in your bars, clubs, lounges, shops, restaurants, and street corners. So what can we do about it? Well, for starters, we can’t do anything but play our natural role as passive aggressors. If Gandhi were alive, he would be proud of Canada, well, not completely seeing that we are still part of the British monarch, but in due time, in due time.

So instead of stashing your gold and covering your oil wells, why don’t you make a spectator sport of it, like bird watching. Americans, like most species, can be classified into sub groups based on their regions. I have classified Americans under four categories: New York, Boston, California, and Southern States. You can sort them out by the type of questions they ask, where they hang out, and what they wear:

Boston

Famous question: “Where are the nudie bars?”
Favorite hang out: Peel Pub
Favorite fashion accessory: Baseball cap

New York

Famous question: “So where can I get some nose candy?”
Favorite hang out: Globe, Cafeteria, Sophia, Time, and (insert trendy supper club here)
Favorite fashion accessory: Over priced jeans

California

Famous question: “Dude, you know where I can find 2-Pac hits?”
Favorite hang out: Jet Club, Orchid, and Groove
Favorite fashion accessory: Baggy clothes

Southern States

Famous question: “Y’all know where I can find a place to drink and beat up some Canadians?”
Favorite hang out: Crescent Street
Favorite fashion accessory: Winter coats tied around their waist because they are too cheap to pay for the coat check (or just simply not aware).






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