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Planning for New Years now made easier than planning for a wedding.



by Dr. Smooth

This guy exemplifies what the future holds: white Irish dudes with Von Dutch wrist bands, faded diesel jeans, and homey-like hand gestures…fuck, even black guys are like "shit this wigger got style!" Oh yeah by the way Justin Timberlake, if you're listening, this is what you created; and if you believe in Karma then you better reverse this shitty trend or else you are going to come back as this guy's bitch. Wow, this guy is hard at work. He seriously needs a break from online Spades. Is that a moose on top of his computer screen, wow? Is that a McGill coffee mug, wow? As I'm piecing things together, like Watson, I realize that this is a graduate student who hasn't had any pussy in a while so he figured that he could use his intellect by getting rich scamming off-shore casinos by using counting card techniques. And then using part of his winnings to buy a flight to Calcutta to search for the brown gypsy hidden in the pile of dead bodies stricken by leprosy. Once he finds this guy, he will fork out the rest of his dough to procure a fucking LIFE!!!
"Yo quiero Taco Bell!"…fuck that "Yo quiero this guy's life!" He epitomizes the kind of lifestyle his ancestors dreamed of when they came to Canada: being surrounded by beautiful women digging your style. This guy could say anything he wants to these women, and they will still adore him. I know these kind of things. The only problem is that he's getting deported and thrown in a Mexican jail for misrepresenting his countrymen. He rolled a bad enchilada, puked off tequila, and forgot what a taco tastes like. These faux-pas are punishable by life in prison…in Mexico, obviously. You would think they are slow dancing to Enya or Celine Dion, but this love-shit was happening when 50 Cent was spitting out rhymes about big pimping and bitch slapping hoes. Man, this generation is screwed up. What happened to love songs and classic sex positions, I'll tell you what happened…hippie offspring's man…that's who they are. They are all fucked up recovering from pre-natal acid trips and big coke fests that their parents indulged in. By the way, where the hell is the ass grab, what happened to that move?
You know when you're driving a car late at night and you've been on the road for twelve hours; and then your eyes begin to droop and you are like "fuck it, I'm falling asleep now and I don't care about crashing my Cadillac"…picture that feeling and that's what this is. Except that he's not driving a car but watching CNN for twelve straight hours wondering if the Americans took over his oil field or camels. This guy doesn't need a mask to go out on Halloween. Shit, people give him candy for the way he looks. Then they call the police.
How do you suppose we rid this world of feminism and gender equality? Simple. We start a thong movement (thank you Sisqo) and create low cut jeans (thank you Miss Sixty). So that men can relax on bar stools, sip beer from pitchers, scratch balls, and stare at pretty little girls run around exposing their panties and ass cracks. Thus, reassuring males that women are created for one purpose only…to dock our station. So don't blame us ladies, blame yourselves!!! I say we retract female suffrage, who's in? Here we have Romeo trying to introduce his latest conquest to what he so elegantly refers to as the Pharaoh's chamber. Little does she know he's really talking about the bedroom around the corner where the pile of coats makes the lovin' extra romantic. Maybe you need to give her some more punch before she'll let you see her pyramids… It's just a shame you already went to the bathroom and knocked one out of the park BEFORE being rejected by every girl at the party. Oh - and next time, make sure you don't leave pecker tracks on your shirt buddy.





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