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Don't let your friends steal the entire NYE spotlight from you.





Why wait? Plan your New Years early.


by Dr. Smooth

It seems fitting that the newest wonder of the world encapsulates all previous seven wonders. French Canadian women have eyes as bright as the lighthouse of Alexandria, bodies sculpted to perfection like the statue of Zeus, personalities that mirror the wild and raw hanging gardens of Babylon, and firm and pointy breasts like the great pyramid of Giza.

Dissimilar to most wonders of the world, French Canadian women are alive and restored to perfection. However, unlike most tourist attractions, you cannot pay a fee to experience the 8th wonder of the world…ummmm…not true. Consequently, I will dispense advice on how to gain entrance (without waiting in line) to the most impressive and rare wonder of the world; French Canadian women.

Location:

Québec and New Brunswick (according to the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedom, N.B. has two official languages: French and English…good news)

How to Gain Entrance as an Anglophone:

The following list is intended for les cris d'anglais qui ont aucune idée sur comment baiser les belles demoiselles. So here we go…how Anglophones (with broken French) can pick up French Canadian women.
  1. Approach your French Canadian woman of choice. The first (or second) minute of the conversation should be in French, it’ll impress her that you are making an effort. Then switch to English so that you can show her that you are not a complete retard. After that you can toggle between the two languages, using English as your redeemer (meaning that after sounding like an idiot in French then you should switch to English to remind her that your brain is capable of storing more than 30 words).


  2. Ask questions about her French heritage. La fierté est primordiale dans la culture française.

  3. Complement her on how well she speaks English, surtout quand elle te fait une pipe…I do not intend to demean or insult French women with the dirty French phrases I’ve inserted, it is purely for the Anglophones who are reading the text, whom I want to familiarize with this beautiful language.


  4. Tell her that you usually feel insecure speaking French, but with her you feel comfortable. Cris, si tu ne baise pas avec cette phrase, t’es vraiment perdant.


  5. When asked what you would like with your hot dog, you reply ‘une poutine’ and NOT ‘des patates frites’, t’as compris?


  6. Never ask about the poutine cheese curds, this is every French Canadian woman’s secret.


  7. Occasionally behave like a wilder beast, which is similar to, at times, French Canadian men. French women love that! If you don’t know how to behave like a wilder beast, then imagine a breed between Russell Crow and Pierce Bronson, in other words, like a charming ruffian.


  8. Remember the following: Labatt over Molson, and 50 over Blue.


  9. Bordeaux over Mondavi (or Masi).


  10. Courvoisier over Macallan (or Glenfiddich).


  11. They have no idea what the difference is between sparkling white wine and champagne. This is a good way to save some money for those special occasions.


  12. On Québec license plates there is a famous quote, “Je me souviens” which is an injunction to remember the entwinement of the fleur-de-lis with the rose and the thistle, to remember the history and wars that has formed this one great nation. However, I feel that it has a double connotation and the nuance is addressed to French Canadian women, “je me souviens quand j’étais une vierge, mon dieu c’était il y a longtemps.” If you don’t understand what that means then all you need to know is that you’re in good experienced hands with French women (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).


  13. As much as you beg to differ, you should bite your tongue, swallow your pride, and mutter these words, “Jean Louloup is so more debonair than Mick Jagger.”
I hope these hints (or reminders) will assist you in getting your foot in the door to one of the greatest wonders of the world. Remember to treat all objects of desire with gentleness, these are the most beautiful, educated, and caring women in the world, but rare in nature, which has made them a ferocious beast to tame! Good luck!




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