Your guide to Montreal's Nightlife, New Years Eve, Nightclubs, Events and more

Updated on the 15th of every month

by Reverend Cibby

Have you seen Lost in Translation? Featuring Bill Murray alone in Japan, it's the newest honeydrop from nepotistic director Sofia Coppola, and it combines beautiful images, seizure-inducing colours and intense cinematography to propel the viewer through a windshield of cultural misidentity. I'll admit, too, some scenes border on genius - lunatic genius, like Old Dirty Bastard and the Insane Clown Posse.

Well, maybe not that insane.

In any case, Lost in Translation falls apart before we can consider it a masterpiece, which is disappointing, considering it starts so strong. However, I feel like the pseudo-artsy McGill crowd that packs Cinema du Parc would disagree with me…I'm sure the feelings of isolation overwhelm the sheep from the homogeneous ranks of English Canada.

You don't believe me? Well, hear it straight from a reviewer in Memphis:

"Lost in Translation is an effective mood piece about cultural dislocation and personal alienation, centering on the temporary relationship established by a pair of privileged Americans who find themselves essentially stranded and emotionally isolated within a large, crowded Tokyo hotel."

Now, we see the problem; Memphis feels personal alienation watching Bill Murray in Japan, with a stress on the word alienation. This should come as no surprise, since Japan is an alien planet. Breathe into the oxygen mask and let me caress your brain.

I understand that you believe I'm a damn fool. Fine, sit there in your bathtub full of ice, waiting for a Mexican doctor to sell your kidney on the black market. But I'm going to give you visual proof that the Land of the Rising Sun is actually a tiny planet between Earth and Mars.

Location:
How come the only way to get to Japan is to fly? Why can't you drive there? Suspicious, don't you think?

Hats:
Japanese people wear these hats to prevent themselves from bursting into flames when they jump out of spacecrafts to invade our planet. Since the Japanese are superior to us in every respect, they can survive the cold in space, and the subsequent smack-down when they crash land.

You know when you laugh so hard that you fall out of your chair? That's what it's like for the Japanese landing parties. They'd like to do it all day.

The fact that the hats also protect their heads from the rain is a secondary benefit.

Japanese food:

Look at this picture of a Japanese food store. What the hell is that food? What animal comes in these perfectly symmetric shapes? No, my friend, that is food that they grow in huge crystal bubbles anchored to the moon.

And sushi? Really, how come no other food on earth comes in perfect little tubes? Tube-shaped food is preferable in space because you can squeeze it out of tubes like toothpaste.

Nightlife:

This is really a whole bunch of categories all at once. First, Japan at night is like a pulsating kaleidoscope of neon colours. Every street explodes with huge signs advertising things like virtual motion machines and snake oil. A small calculation of the amount of power required to light up every Japanese city: the result? Only a black hole could provide that supply of unlimited, renewable power.

And that is what they have. A black hole, in the middle of their planet, which also gives them the power of invisibility, which is why we don't see their planet at night. You see? It all makes sense.

I guess in conclusion, I'd have to say that since the Japanese have already invaded Earth, we might as well just roll with it. Besides, the soulful allure of hip hop has already decimated their culture, allowing the rest of us to drive their impeccably manufactured cars, while they struggle to find meaning within the mysteries of a really good poutine.

Updated on the 15th of every month