Your guide to Montreal's Nightlife, New Years Eve, Nightclubs, Events and more

Don't be lame! Stand-up in the crowd with your designer football shirt.

by the Polish Whore

No one really gives a shit about women's rights anymore- unless you're trying to stop FGM or sexual predators, that is. But my concern is not about my rights in the workplace or at school. I'm deeply concerned about my equal rights as an Ethical Slut (1).

For the most part, I think things are going fairly well. From my experiences I feel that most men are relieved at not having to bullshit an interest in anything other than my tits, ass and legs. And so far they've been completely open to the notion of us being straightforward with one another. It seems to turn them on when I tell them what I want… and call them naughty and spank them when they don't listen. Regardless, in most respects, I feel I have equal control over what goes on in my bed. The one thing I can't control, however, is a man's stamina. This is problematic, being as sexy as I am. It's hard for most guys to keep it together when we're screwing. I try to be understanding, but just because my rising action triggers your hot spot, it's no excuse for leaving me high and dry- well, not dry…

Luckily for me, I happen to be a fan of the art of oral. So, if he's not manly enough to hold out while I get off, I don't mind just sitting back while he wraps things up. But what happens if he's not an "eater"?

What do you mean you don't 'go down'? You don't like it! I never asked you to like it, Jerk-off, I told you to do it, so shut up and get to work. I shouldn't even have to ask. If we're having sex and you get off before me, it should be the first thing you do after throwing out the condom. Don't ask for permission, just starting working your way down. If you're afraid I might not be into it, then the appropriate question format is: can I? It is not: do you want me to? The answer to the latter is "No, I wanted you to hang on for 30 more seconds, but you didn't. So get going." In contrast, when you ask Can I? or May I?, then it's like you're complimenting me. And that makes me hot- I love to hear about myself. And call me Kitten, while you're at it.

There's a serious deficit of oral sex during one-nighters in this city. Half of the randoms I've picked up here have told me they don't really like doing it. In all fairness the other fifty per cent was made up of guys who loved it, so in theory it's balanced. But if you can't wait for me to come, what's your alternative method of orgasm provision? Since I'm not fifteen anymore, the fingers don't really cut it. You can't prop yourself up on a pillow and play around with my clit and expect me to have a celestial experience. I could have done the same thing on my own without having wasted a condom and my time, and it probably would have been better.

There's no excuse for not going down on a girl. Considering the gallons of cum we consume collectively each weekend, I think we have a right to some serious returns here. Next time you're lucky enough to get a girl to go home with you, do my gender (and yours) some serious service: take a few minutes of post-coitus to orally rock her world. Believe me, it'll change her opinion of you from virgin to god-of-fuck in no time.

(1)The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, Dossie Easton and Cathy A. Liszt. Greenery Press, 1997