Your guide to Montreal's Nightlife, New Years Eve, Nightclubs, Events and more

Updated on the 15th of every month

by Naomi Lee

Girls, let us just take a moment and reflect on the process in which you endure before you're heading out for a night out on the town. (Most likely to St. Laurent, I mean, who are we kidding?)

The process

First you rid yourself of that unsightly body hair, adoring your ears and hands with shiny jewelry at the same time you continue affixing your mane with large amounts of chemicals so that your hair will fall just-like-so. You shimmy into that new tinsy winsy skirt you just got from BCBG on sale no less! And strap into your stilettos. But why all the fuss? You know that even you look rockin' hot with your rack hanging out to dry; there will be no men out there ripe for your picking. You heard me. THERE ARE NO STRIAGHT MEN LEFT. Well, decent ones you wanna fuck anyways. Most are either taken by that bitch, or home with that bitch.

Ahem, but I digress.

If you haven't noticed, ass cleavage has been making headway as been the most exposed body part as of late. It's way more popular now than boob cleavage. Sucks for those who just got their boobies done.

There isn't a girl out there, fat ass or otherwise who doesn't own a little itty bitty frilly skirt.

Acres of legs, a little bum cleavage didn't hurt anyone. Admit it, what guy wouldn't want to take bite outta some juicy ass? Here's the thing, there's a high number of gay men prancing around all over the island of Montreal. This by no means is a bad thing, but for straight chicks, it's depressing. We girls get excited when we see a well dressed, well toned man. It's just a huge downer to think that most of the time he'd rather be sucking cock then on your titties. What's a girl to do?

The Solution

So what do you do? Become a fag hag? Sure, your new found fairy friends might be awesome for those shopping excursions and gossip sessions or for having dance offs but really, they're useless when it comes to fucking you. Most home boys think vagina is groddy, your twat included.

If you want to be less heart broken at the end of prowling night and get more bang bang bang...then just assume every guy you come across is gay. Until that is, they prove you straight. Straight into your pussy. Yes, whether he be a waiter, a DJ, that guy who pumps your gas (save your money, walk for god damn sake) that designer, clothes horse whatever…sexy bitch guitar player, flyer boys, Ginos, anyone, everyone, if you assume they're gay, not only will you pleasantly surprised if they are not, the sex will probably be 10x better cuz they have something extra to prove.

No doubt Montreal is known for its glamour, tasty foods, and glamour tasty girls and boys. But in the same light, most of our boys like other boys. There's no shame in assuming all the boys like to play with other boys willies. You know it's happening all the time. It's more disappointing to get all wet over a guy only to have them turn out to be gay, and then you're just left hot and horny. You get to go home alone and hang out with your shower head. But if you reverse it, it won't be a let down; it would be a let up. You knows leg up over head type thing. It's summer; it's time to get your freak on. You know how short Montreal summers can be…and before you know it, its fucking winter again. If you listen to my ditty of advice, you'll be sure to have fresh cock whenever you want. Like strawberries.