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Updated on the 15th of every month

Or How I Became The Don

by Don Kapitän, PhD in Matters of Love

Part 2 of a 3-part exposé on Germans

In the spring I was a limp body floating in Lonely Lake; its water was purple-colored. Cocooned with me was Anger, a real mean bastard, but my metamorphosis was nearly complete, and Anger would be left behind to stew in that Lake all alone. I was awakened by my inamorata. But until then she hadn't been my inamorata, she was someone else's girl. Now that someone else was gone, at least physically, she spent more time with the rest of us at the residence. Hold on, at that point there was a "rest of us." I hadn't realized that I was now part of a collective. I apparently missed a lot during my slumber on the Lake. But now my inamorata was my inamorata, Freyja, and she would be the cause of the greatest and most terrible feelings I would experience for the entire summer season. As Freyja took me away from the Lake, I met three German nymphs: Lola, Crazy, and Nicole. The nymphs brought me to the Woods, where all the other German folk were hiding. In there, somewhere was Naturelle, a Swiss girl who embraced me in my weakened state. She provided me with herbal medicines that had me seeing fireworks when my eyes closed, and had me thinking that I was a porcupine trying to make breakfast for four camels. "Four camels, why four camels?" I wondered.

The three nymphs were gorgeous wood creatures that made the rest of us humans look like The Creator's farts. Freyja was no human, though, she was and is a Norse Goddess, and this ultimately made one yearn for her, yet painfully so as one realized they couldn't get close to something so preternatural. Lola of the nymphs was and is a tall, voluptuous, athletic brunette with a boisterous laugh. She endowed me with intelligence. Crazy was and is an ethereal blonde, like someone took a firecracker and put a wig on it. Every man in the Woods was adulating her as a finely crafted work of art, her innocent charm and care-free nature more reeling than anything they had seen before. She endowed me with spirit. Nicole was and is neither blonde nor brunette, neither slight nor voluptuous. She was and is too exotic for conventional beauty, and too beautiful for convention. As the balancing force of the threesome, she endowed me with wisdom.

The Lake had physically transformed me, and the nymphs shaped my character. After they were done with their song and dance, they wrapped me in flower-pattern cloth and sent me toward my inamorata, Freyja. I was now The Don. The Don was I.

Freyja was and is a tall and lithe beauty, who would be the cause of much of my madness as I was helplessly attracted to her. But Freyja was a good girl, and remained faithful to her boyfriend. The Don was the fork-tongued devil, with horns and wicked eyes.

"You already knew that my boyfriend was coming back this weekend," she revealed.
"I don't know what I was supposed to know, since you didn't tell me anything," I challenged. She sighed.
"I didn't know how you were going to feel."
"What was the other option; that you don't say anything then at my birthday party he shows up and you say 'surprise, look who I brought!'?"
"I'm sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry for. You are still coming on Monday, aren't you? Bring him with you. It'll be fun. I haven't seen the guy in a long time!"

I had to leave the Woods and go to the Machine World on my birthday, to demonstrate to floating circuit boards how my work was worth their money. Come evening, the nymphs were sending sing-song messages, urging me to return to the Woods as soon as I could. They were waiting for me, waiting to celebrate my birthday! What an egocentric ritual! But I was caught up in the hoop-la, and the Germans were waiting for me, cakes and drinks ready, BBQ lit, and meat on the grill. It was the 30th of June, and the camaraderie the Germans extended to me was humbling. One girl even showed up despite her having a neck brace! My inamorata was there, with her boyfriend. Normally that scene would have disturbed me, but I wasn't going to dishonor my friends' sentiments by brooding over Freyja. I was going to have a smashing time, with music blasting on the rooftop terrace of the residence. My German friends were smiling and laughing. I smiled back, made a wish, and blew out the candles.

-- Don Kapitän, PhD in Matters of Love

The Camel Goes South To North
Dinner For One And The German Sylvester

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