Christmas shopping... like a pro by Erjy Kolaskyn

My best friend Santa (plus Jack)

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The holiday season doesn’t have to be a dreadful store to store rat-race. And just stop trying to outsmart your own former-self by buying a "better" gift for your tender-half than the one you gave her last year.

Your time is better spent chilling at the local bar. And the holidays are really about that big turkey being eaten by your family and friends.

Sure, you could get something, a little token of your affection, conveyed by monetary value. If you decide to fall in the trap of gift giving (and I admit it could be a pleasant trap to be in, in small doses only), then just follow these golden rules, time tested by Montreal-Clubs staff for years, finally fine-tuned to perfection and ready for your consumption.

First, the important list of "don’t-s":

• Forget about an iPod/iPhone, or pretty much anything you can buy at the iStore. It’s too typical of a gift to give, and it’s a lame place to shop from. And this iSomething branding craziness has gone way too far, and must be stopped immediately, if not it would consume the world.
• Forget about clothing-store gift cards: that’s like admitting that you’re too lazy to shop for a real gift.
• Don’t give DVDs: Hollywood has already tons of cash, and doesn’t need your eztra little help. And DVD end-up being watched only once and lent to a "friend", only to never be seen back again.

And now for the "do-s":

• Do give music CDs: after Apple killed the album format with its i-branded products, and the music industry choked artists to death (and lameness), so any support for the CD is more than welcome. But only buy directly from the website of the artists themselves. Forget about HMV, Amazon or any other middle man, which only choke the artists some more.
• Do give books: again, just don’t buy them from Amazon or Chapters. Tons of small bookstores will be more than happy to sell you that odd paper product that you haven’t flipped through in years.
• Lingerie is always a well thought-of gift, because (usually) both parties, the giver and the givee, get to profit from it.
• The finale: a gift card from Cinema du Parc, the perfect lazy gift. Great movies, a great cinema, and prices that won’t have you running to the pawn shop to sell your last guitar.

Now you can’t say that we didn’t warn you against shopping too much or that you weren’t sure what to get. It's all here.

But the ultimate gift is always something you make yourself. Be it a drawing, a cartoon, a card, a photo or even a little writing, nothing says I love you more than something that you actually went through the pain of making yourself.

For everything else, lingerie should do.

PS: For more on Drunk Santa and his amazing adventures, enjoy the work of Toronto artist Gabriel Morka.

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